ramblings of a neurotic navel-gazer

dear kb,

i would appreciate it if you stopped all conversation with me. entirely. clearly, i cant handle it. i am not mature enough, or unemotional enough. i still ask myself why, because i dont dare ask you, i still get annoyed and want to fling things at you, although that would require flinging it across the freaking ocean. but i do feel that way. pretty strong feelings like, completely confusion and incredulousness overwhelm almost every time we do talk, or i even think about you. so no. i cant wait to be out of canada, so i dont have to sit around waiting for you to start a conversation with me, or replaying our conversations in my head. it's sort of like a dream. i just really want to go back to before it all went haywire. and it bugs me that it doesnt bug you :( it really does. like why am i feeling so strongly about everything and you get to walk around like whatever. i hate this. of course i am resentful. very resentful. and i dont want to be. really. i hate feeling like this. but you havent redeemed yourself. there's still this sense that you think you're above it all, above me, and that i was, still am, that stupid girl that ran ahead of myself, by myself, with no encouragement whatsoever. i mean i know i am not all faultless. of course i know that. but it just sucks, overall. i wish i could just forget. pretend it never happened, pretend it wasnt a big deal, which i am trying to do. but i dont seem to be able to. so. i hope i can be strong and not mess with you anymore. it's making me a bitter person. and i dont want to be that person.