hey jude

BOO

funoramas over, and i know lins is right. i shld get down to studying. i shld. but i cant. i keep thinking about how awful it will be if i screw up alevels, or even if i do start studying, just too damn late that i cant manage any As, like where wld i go? what wld i do? but its not enough to get me to study.

speaking bout lins, she lost another grandfather, barely 2 mths after the first one passed on. and i am so sad for her, especially cause her entire family is non-christian. i mean that is a major issue. its not about losing someone. its what you are losing them to.

and her grandfathers death got my mum and i talking about death. and it was intense. i mean i havent lost anyone i cared a lot about. i did lose ms goh, i forgot her name for a second there. and that was pretty sad for me, i remember almost crying during assembly when miss kon read her eulogy. and i wasnt even really emotionaly attached to her. well not obviously. and my mum said that even though my grandmother is very fit and all, she can go anytime so i have to be prepared. but i dont want to be. its immature and impractical. but i love her. i do. and i want her to be around, even if passing on is what she wants for herself, i dont want that for her or for me. i always had this one wish that my entire family, my grandma included wld just pass away together. that would be like totally ideal. it cld be today or tomorrow, the time or venue wldnt matter, just that we passed on together.

ahhh.

and then theres my other problem. which i cant discuss. but i want to. and i want something to happen. is that too much to ask? i am 18 darn it. almost. ha. and nothings happening. its either i am reading too much into it or not.
omg i can believe i pulled the age card. thats totaly inappropriate. if i want it just cause i think i am too old not to have it, then what does it say? does that mean that wld i feel is not real? that i dont actually want it for me, but for others?

bummer. i am so confused. i always am. i read all my posts and i realise that i am not as laid back and composed as i seem at school. or is that how i see myself in school. maybe i am a mess always and just not aware of it. gosh that wld suck. if it were true.

i wanna go to school for all the reasons. just one reason really. just wish it knew and felt the same.