how do you tell someone that a relationship has run it's course? is it necessary to do so? to convey your disregard. to put in words that there is no need to belabor a relationship that, which once meant a lot, has since ceased to be worthy of your time or effort, or anyone's for that matter. i dont want to say goodbye, i wish we didnt have to, but there really isnt a point in pretending, when i can see no future "us". so it necessary to voice this? especially if it's about a platonic friend and not a special someone. do you think they deserve to hear how you have changed? even though they probably already know. the awkwardness that will ensue is daunting and dissuades me from taking that step. i wonder if the sense of closure and completeness that such an admission will ensure is enough of a reason.

I dont know what is up? Why am I wallowing in self-pity. At some point during every skype conversation I find myself chocked up and tearing and after I am always gasping for breath because the tears dont stop. What is my problem? Why do I miss them so much? Why do I feel so shit all the time? I honestly can't handle it, and I cant explain it, cause this wasnt ever me. You know. Being so needy and feeling so incredibly alone. I hate it. I just hate it. I hate being alone, and without my family in Singapore. I feel like they left me. Like they left me alone, and like they dont care, and like the world is moving on without me. It's selfish, very selfish, to feel this way, and hate my situation so much, when so much is being spent so that I can lead the life that I lead, but I just hate it.

ramblings of a neurotic navel-gazer

dear kb,

i would appreciate it if you stopped all conversation with me. entirely. clearly, i cant handle it. i am not mature enough, or unemotional enough. i still ask myself why, because i dont dare ask you, i still get annoyed and want to fling things at you, although that would require flinging it across the freaking ocean. but i do feel that way. pretty strong feelings like, completely confusion and incredulousness overwhelm almost every time we do talk, or i even think about you. so no. i cant wait to be out of canada, so i dont have to sit around waiting for you to start a conversation with me, or replaying our conversations in my head. it's sort of like a dream. i just really want to go back to before it all went haywire. and it bugs me that it doesnt bug you :( it really does. like why am i feeling so strongly about everything and you get to walk around like whatever. i hate this. of course i am resentful. very resentful. and i dont want to be. really. i hate feeling like this. but you havent redeemed yourself. there's still this sense that you think you're above it all, above me, and that i was, still am, that stupid girl that ran ahead of myself, by myself, with no encouragement whatsoever. i mean i know i am not all faultless. of course i know that. but it just sucks, overall. i wish i could just forget. pretend it never happened, pretend it wasnt a big deal, which i am trying to do. but i dont seem to be able to. so. i hope i can be strong and not mess with you anymore. it's making me a bitter person. and i dont want to be that person.

that's where you'll find me

well, i am supposed to be studying right now. it feels like i always write when i am supposed to be studying, but there have been a lot of things on my mind lately.

and i am going to list them like i do

1) what i want to do for life

i always thought i was going to be a counsellor, but now i am leaning more into community development, project manager sort of a position? i feel like i could lend a bit of level-headedness into a field like that, considering that i am supposed to be a good evaluator.

2) what i want to do next year

do i go straight into graduate school, in a bible college? or do i take a year off and work with MCYS/ World Vision etc? should i do honours? i mean i love sociology, and i dont want to stop doing it yet. but i want to get started on the great work in store for me. i know there is something out there for me. what is the best route?

3) about joining grace's comm in crusade

i really want to say yes. but i want to be sure that i will give my all! cause i am such a slacker, and next semester isnt going to be like any other, i am going to need to study, do my own grocery shopping/laundry, and comm. i know i can manage, i did it this sem, somewhat. but i want to know it's God's will, cause what if taking up that position stops someone greater from doing it?

4) kiltboy

ah. what more is there left to say. i am completely obsessed. i am always this way with crushes. and especially since he responded the way he did, i cant help but replay everything in my head. i know whats the practical/right thing to do, but i cant help daydreaming. sucks.

5) roommate issues

love my roommates, but there are just so many miscommunications and formality reigns. its awkard.

6) why i want to leave canada so badly

probably cause of all of the above and the pull of singapore and family

7) whether i have enough money for the time left

haha. this i should stop worrying about, cause i know i have enough. i just feel bad for spending so much that this would even be an issue.

8) what i want for my last semester (if i decide it's going to be my last semester)

you see what i mean? when have i ever had so much to think about? it's always about running or a boy or studying. and now it's that and much more. becoming and adult is scary. it's not at all overrated. guess i am glad that that's the extent of it. any more than that and i'd be throwing myself off an edge, psychologically of course.

it's weird putting things out into the cybersphere, nobody i know may ever read it, but some stranger may, and hopefully they can empathise. it feels like someone is reading. it's like talking to myself and talking to God and talking to the whole world at the same time.

all-in-all,

i am thankful.

What I've learnt about myself

Well.

So the last couple of days have been interesting. Not necessarily a good interesting. I think it has taught me a lot about who I am and who I should be. If I thought that I was going to go back from exchange without having learn anything, I was wrong.

(That's how I am feeling right now. Like a confused cat)

1) I am impulsive.

Oh goodness am I impulsive. I do things and I say things, often without much thought and then i pull back and regret my actions and words. Which is terrible. It means living your life either constantly afraid of yourself, or constantly in regret.

2) I am always emotionally-invested

Especially when it comes to relationships. Because of the above point, I pour out my heart like it's not worth anything. Words just flow, secrets, desires, fears all flow out in a mess without control. And I give so much, that I expect that much more in return. I throw my heart around like it doesn't mean anything, like everyone deserves to know what's going on in there. Which means it gets broken, by friends usually.

3) God isn't as important to me as He should be

I share my life so easily with everyone, that it's almost pointless to turn to God. Which is a ridiculous statement. But that's what happens. I draw from everything around me but from God. Which mean's I am a mess of emotions and impulsivity 90% of the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? Nutcase.

4) I really want to be loved

And because God isn't as important to me, I dont love him enough and I dont feel loved by him enough that I search for love around me. I give of myself so easily and so passionately because all I really want is to love and be loved. Sounds silly doesn't it and everyone wants this. What makes me so different? If you just met me, heard me talk, you wouldn't ever think I was this fragile and needy.

So, I'm not ready for a relationship and till I am, no one will be ready for me. I need to understand that, and get on with my life. Too much, too soon. Story of my life. But stories have turning points, things change, move in another direction than one would expect. Well, at least good stories do. I hope mine will. I will make sure that it does.

Give me time. Give me God.

i wish i wrote more. i remember a time when i used to sort of witty and fun and at the same time thoughtful. well i'd like to think i am/was pretty thoughtful.

it's been a good few weeks living alone. maybe it doesnt count cause i have an auntie who cooks for me and a helper who cleans and does my laundry. but leaving away from the folks has never been so comfortable? it may be because i am still in singapore and i still have my friends around me. of course that's the reason. of course it is. but i am thankful for that. that i can still feel somewhat 'at home' even with the family gone.

it's surreal. living apart from the family. for one, i feel sort of rootless. like i float around. and i do. float around, that is. from place to place (mostly the ICA and RafflesCity, i've found).

eagerly awaiting the arrival of my itouch. it's been too long since my iphone died on me. i tried to zoom into a picture with my fingers the others on jialin's nokia. major withdrawal syndroms. and while it's probably better for me that i am not listening to music all the time, i miss it. so i am excited for the itouch to come. it should be in my hands in a couple of hours. hopefully.

i dont have any significant thoughts in my head. and i think i have gone too far in my understanding on online media to ever fully reveal myself online. i know it can be traced down and that anonymity is a lie.

code names.

met jesse stork and alena yesterday. it wasnt so bad. but i am just going to be honest and say that it did cross my mind that their pda (which wasnt all that uncomfortable) was him trying to prove something. she didnt even touch him, well she did, but hardly. but he kept wanted to stroke her, or walk with his arms around her. and couples do that. i get it. but it's me, they dont know me, they know MY DAD. that's strange right? i dont know. maybe i'm a lot more conservative than i thought. i wonder how i'd be with my boyfriend. i think we'd be affectionate, but not infront of other people. well, it could also be because he's not asian. that makes a difference. but again, i didnt feel all that uncomfortable. it did get a bit boring towards the end, but that might be my fault.

lack of capitalisation and extensive use of fullstops.

woah. how long has it been since i felt the need to write and not an essay or assignment or something.

there was a time when i'd write down everything. what happened that day, my feelings, my frustrations. back when my writing was above average. now i can barely string a sentence together without having to pause over the right words to use. its sad. considering i should get smarter and more competent as i creep up higher on the academic ladder, but i seem to be going backwards.

i cant study. i cant. i dont know what to do already. i have exams next week. one is open book, and the other is an essay so i have to know all the theories and shizz. and i can honestly say that i know nothing. and i have tuition in 4 hours, which i have not prepared for. my tuition kid is taking a gamble with me. he is.

and i have finally realised, let it sink in, that i am fat. i kept telling myself it wasnt so bad, or that it didnt matter or that maybe it was my self-perception, maybe i am not as fat as i look to myself. but the illusion has faded. and i am fat. not severely obese, but sufficiently obese that i better make a virulent jab at losing weight

just as i wrote that sentence and thought about how sad/problematic my life is, i remembered michelle.

darn.

i cant.

i cant function right. its not fair. or is it. what is fair? and i am at a loss. for words, for actions. for everything. what can i do? what should i do? why did this have to happen. at a time when i am not fully equipped to handle this the way it should be. i am not mature yet. i dont know what i have to do. to help her, bring her back, lead her. why does this have to fall on me? i feel like i should sweep her away and bring her back to God, all majestically and i'd feel gratified, fulfilled. and then i think what if i fail and i show cowardice at a time when i am needed the most? will i ever be able to forgive myself?

am i going about this all wrong? it isnt about me is it. its about her and God. but where's my place in this. i know i have a place in this. or i'd never have entered her life again. there's a reason for everything isnt there?

when was the last time i felt so lost and heavy-laden.

sounds like i am being melodramatic. probably am.

i love you. and it hurts.