Ianthey is hilarious, Jialin snores, and Gina is super good in chinese.

We reached ZZ, super excited to start the day, but Jialin was so tired she got held back at immigration, cause she had a light fever, and there was a Zika scare, so when we did the body temp scanning she didn't make it through and then we had to readjust our surprise Gina plan. 

So Ianthey went out first and said i was the one inside, and then i went out and she expected me and then Jialin arrived as the last surprise Gina's heart almost stopped. Because Jialin was just casually walking with her phone outside the KFC, and Gina saw her before she saw Gina and gina was like "JIALINNNN". Mainly because Jialin didn't see where i entered the KFC and went to the wrong side and realised there was no door, so had to walk past the glass pane where i was trying to distract Gina, but she looked out and saw Jialin rushing to the door. That was so exhausting already.

Then we cabbed down to near her uni and had dumplings and then walked to her room, which is on the 6th floor and very exhausting to climb, but it is such a nice room, and she packed for the next 3 days, and then we went to the hotel, and shared two rooms, and i kind of filled her in on how busy Prilaa was, and how she wanted to be there, and gave her the pillow case. 

And that was Day 1. 

Day 2 was a late day. We had breakfast at the hotel, and explored the city. Took a cab down to Gina's uni and dropped off our bags, and packed for our 1.5 days in Xi'An. And then slowly walked around the city. We had yummy cold noodles, and went to a mall, where we were proper Singaporeans and shopped. And then we went home, had a mini nap, and headed out to collect our train tickets (this is when a man woke up his two sleeping friends to look at me) and eat at Hi Di Lao. Which was an experience in itself. The waiting room had snackerdoodles and photo printing machines amongst other things. We had way too much food, but it was well satisfying, especially the la mian dance guy. NOODLE SHIFU.

And that was Day 2. 

We woke up early, got to the station just on time, and had a lovely ride to Xi'An. China kept blowing my mind. It was clean, modern, polite. Everything I didnt think it would be. We met a lovely grandpa and his grandson on the train. 2.5 hours later we were in Xi'An, and this city really reminded me how rich of history and culture China was. Just ancient ruins, well maintained. We got upgraded to a lovely suite at the Citadines, went out for some yummy halal meat and gnochi noods,and walked around the city. Had Gongcha, since it doesnt exist in Singapore anymore that felt quite legit. We roamed and then went and sat in a cafe where we had coffee and chilled out of the sun. We tried and failed at playing Psych, but at least coffee.  Then we walked to wards the Wall, BUT got distracted in MINISO, because why not. We happily swung our bags to the wall, which was breathtaking. We slow walked and talked about culture and history and things. For all the tall buildings in Xi'an there was still enough visibility that you could sometimes just see the rooftops of buildings, and look into tiny rooms and terraces. I could imagine living in a place like that, the same sort of appeal that Tiong Baru has for me. After all of that we took a walk into the Muslim Quarters and were positively bombarded with the smells and sights of all things Chinese (minus the pork). 

And that was Day 3. 

This was a big day, we got to the Terracotta Soldiers. Got stuck in horrible traffic though, but still managed to get completely overwhelmed at the sight of rows and rows of soldiers. 2000 years ago, imagine that. We spent a good amount of time there and then made our way back to the train station and got back to ZZ. We split up, Gina and I went to collect some deliveries, and pick up some more of her stuff for the remaining two days whilst Iants and Lins had bubble tea. We then taxi'ed to our next location, the Tao Bao AirBNB. 

And that was Day 4. 

We had a pretty late start on Thursday. We were all quite exhausted from the Xi'An trip, and potentially just being around each other non-stop for 4 days and so we took it easy. We had some aeropressed coffee at home with fruits and then took a taxi down to the park. This park was beyond anything I had expected. Gina described it as each part of the park having its own purpose based on the kind of activity being done there. We saw singers, instrumentalists, dancers, calligraphers. It was the loveliest thing I had ever seen, nestled right in the middle of the city. We took a nice long walk past lakes and bridges and pagodas, shaded by large overhanging trees. And then when we got hungry, enter David Mall. The Ion of ZZ really. Theres really nothing I can say about the food in China, it was always good, fusion or not, and intensely satisfying. After lunch we made our way to Starfish! So nice to meet G's new family, and their love for her was apparent. They were so excited to see her, and us, and we got to pick out some lovely pieces for our friends. After this we walked over to the Zoo cafe to eat somemore, and picked up some fried yoghurt on the way there. Once we'd had our fill,we went back to the mall from the second day to finish some shopping for our colleagues. Got all the haw fruit rolls and things before heading back to the room. We all took our showers and had a time of singing and prayer, when Prills joined us. We talked about what we were looking forward to and what we could all pray for each other about. And I just have to say how grateful I am for this friendship, that we can all support each other like this. 

That was Day 5. 

Our last day was bittersweet. We woke up to horrible pollution (which Gina said wasnt bad at all) but it was bad, Ianthey wasnt feeling so well and we went out and had some yummy coffee and noodles. We went back to the room, did our final clean up and made our way to the airport. We got lost and we thought we were going to be late, only to find out that our flight had been delayed. By two hours. That's 2 hours too many, because we'd miss our connecting flight by a whole hour. So after that freak out, we just settled into having two extra hours with our beloved Gina. It was hard to say goodbye, so i tried not to think about it and focus on how tired I was. We made it to Hong Kong and slowly made our way to the Marriott. Ianthey got herself her own room cause she really needed some quiet rest away from the psychotic ramblings of Lins and I. Lins and I watched Confessions parts 1-8 in the room before showering and heading to bed with masks on (well i had a mask, she couldnt find hers till the next morning when it was too late). 

That was Day 6. 

Day 7 we went home :) 

Being alone

I dont ever miss them until I speak with them and my heart breaks all over at the reatlisation that we're living two totally different lives. Their lives revolve around each other, but mine sort of revolves around it's own axis, completely separate. And it's heartbreaking. It's almost a burden to keep in touch with me, with internet issues, the time difference and busy schedules. I cant help wondering if they ever think of me.

I am done moping. 

how do you tell someone that a relationship has run it's course? is it necessary to do so? to convey your disregard. to put in words that there is no need to belabor a relationship that, which once meant a lot, has since ceased to be worthy of your time or effort, or anyone's for that matter. i dont want to say goodbye, i wish we didnt have to, but there really isnt a point in pretending, when i can see no future "us". so it necessary to voice this? especially if it's about a platonic friend and not a special someone. do you think they deserve to hear how you have changed? even though they probably already know. the awkwardness that will ensue is daunting and dissuades me from taking that step. i wonder if the sense of closure and completeness that such an admission will ensure is enough of a reason.

I dont know what is up? Why am I wallowing in self-pity. At some point during every skype conversation I find myself chocked up and tearing and after I am always gasping for breath because the tears dont stop. What is my problem? Why do I miss them so much? Why do I feel so shit all the time? I honestly can't handle it, and I cant explain it, cause this wasnt ever me. You know. Being so needy and feeling so incredibly alone. I hate it. I just hate it. I hate being alone, and without my family in Singapore. I feel like they left me. Like they left me alone, and like they dont care, and like the world is moving on without me. It's selfish, very selfish, to feel this way, and hate my situation so much, when so much is being spent so that I can lead the life that I lead, but I just hate it.

ramblings of a neurotic navel-gazer

dear kb,

i would appreciate it if you stopped all conversation with me. entirely. clearly, i cant handle it. i am not mature enough, or unemotional enough. i still ask myself why, because i dont dare ask you, i still get annoyed and want to fling things at you, although that would require flinging it across the freaking ocean. but i do feel that way. pretty strong feelings like, completely confusion and incredulousness overwhelm almost every time we do talk, or i even think about you. so no. i cant wait to be out of canada, so i dont have to sit around waiting for you to start a conversation with me, or replaying our conversations in my head. it's sort of like a dream. i just really want to go back to before it all went haywire. and it bugs me that it doesnt bug you :( it really does. like why am i feeling so strongly about everything and you get to walk around like whatever. i hate this. of course i am resentful. very resentful. and i dont want to be. really. i hate feeling like this. but you havent redeemed yourself. there's still this sense that you think you're above it all, above me, and that i was, still am, that stupid girl that ran ahead of myself, by myself, with no encouragement whatsoever. i mean i know i am not all faultless. of course i know that. but it just sucks, overall. i wish i could just forget. pretend it never happened, pretend it wasnt a big deal, which i am trying to do. but i dont seem to be able to. so. i hope i can be strong and not mess with you anymore. it's making me a bitter person. and i dont want to be that person.

that's where you'll find me

well, i am supposed to be studying right now. it feels like i always write when i am supposed to be studying, but there have been a lot of things on my mind lately.

and i am going to list them like i do

1) what i want to do for life

i always thought i was going to be a counsellor, but now i am leaning more into community development, project manager sort of a position? i feel like i could lend a bit of level-headedness into a field like that, considering that i am supposed to be a good evaluator.

2) what i want to do next year

do i go straight into graduate school, in a bible college? or do i take a year off and work with MCYS/ World Vision etc? should i do honours? i mean i love sociology, and i dont want to stop doing it yet. but i want to get started on the great work in store for me. i know there is something out there for me. what is the best route?

3) about joining grace's comm in crusade

i really want to say yes. but i want to be sure that i will give my all! cause i am such a slacker, and next semester isnt going to be like any other, i am going to need to study, do my own grocery shopping/laundry, and comm. i know i can manage, i did it this sem, somewhat. but i want to know it's God's will, cause what if taking up that position stops someone greater from doing it?

4) kiltboy

ah. what more is there left to say. i am completely obsessed. i am always this way with crushes. and especially since he responded the way he did, i cant help but replay everything in my head. i know whats the practical/right thing to do, but i cant help daydreaming. sucks.

5) roommate issues

love my roommates, but there are just so many miscommunications and formality reigns. its awkard.

6) why i want to leave canada so badly

probably cause of all of the above and the pull of singapore and family

7) whether i have enough money for the time left

haha. this i should stop worrying about, cause i know i have enough. i just feel bad for spending so much that this would even be an issue.

8) what i want for my last semester (if i decide it's going to be my last semester)

you see what i mean? when have i ever had so much to think about? it's always about running or a boy or studying. and now it's that and much more. becoming and adult is scary. it's not at all overrated. guess i am glad that that's the extent of it. any more than that and i'd be throwing myself off an edge, psychologically of course.

it's weird putting things out into the cybersphere, nobody i know may ever read it, but some stranger may, and hopefully they can empathise. it feels like someone is reading. it's like talking to myself and talking to God and talking to the whole world at the same time.

all-in-all,

i am thankful.

What I've learnt about myself

Well.

So the last couple of days have been interesting. Not necessarily a good interesting. I think it has taught me a lot about who I am and who I should be. If I thought that I was going to go back from exchange without having learn anything, I was wrong.

(That's how I am feeling right now. Like a confused cat)

1) I am impulsive.

Oh goodness am I impulsive. I do things and I say things, often without much thought and then i pull back and regret my actions and words. Which is terrible. It means living your life either constantly afraid of yourself, or constantly in regret.

2) I am always emotionally-invested

Especially when it comes to relationships. Because of the above point, I pour out my heart like it's not worth anything. Words just flow, secrets, desires, fears all flow out in a mess without control. And I give so much, that I expect that much more in return. I throw my heart around like it doesn't mean anything, like everyone deserves to know what's going on in there. Which means it gets broken, by friends usually.

3) God isn't as important to me as He should be

I share my life so easily with everyone, that it's almost pointless to turn to God. Which is a ridiculous statement. But that's what happens. I draw from everything around me but from God. Which mean's I am a mess of emotions and impulsivity 90% of the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? Nutcase.

4) I really want to be loved

And because God isn't as important to me, I dont love him enough and I dont feel loved by him enough that I search for love around me. I give of myself so easily and so passionately because all I really want is to love and be loved. Sounds silly doesn't it and everyone wants this. What makes me so different? If you just met me, heard me talk, you wouldn't ever think I was this fragile and needy.

So, I'm not ready for a relationship and till I am, no one will be ready for me. I need to understand that, and get on with my life. Too much, too soon. Story of my life. But stories have turning points, things change, move in another direction than one would expect. Well, at least good stories do. I hope mine will. I will make sure that it does.

Give me time. Give me God.