its the holidays man.

i am going to blog about something other than what i usually blog about

FOR ONCE! IN AWHILE

the school holidays are going by too darn fast. its not as if i am doing fun things or working really hard or anything. i am doing neither. and its just FLYING. like the singapore flyer. FAST.

sidenote: is the singapore flyer fast? i bet its not right. i heard one ride is like half an hour or something. i wanna go leh. but so expensive. i wanna go so i can tell people i went. ha

anyways good news everyone. GRANDMA IS COMING BACK ON MONDAY. which is good news cause we can stop eating out and like buying back food and all. its not my parents fault that they are busy. but i am beginning to miss homecooked indian food. and that rarely happens. so i cant wait for grandma. AND she really takes care of us and people in india are giving her a hard time, you know how it gets when there are all these siblings and inlaws and a strongheaded grandparents. haha so i wld rather have her here. she doesnt really go anywhere, and her english is so heavily accented but she has all these friends around the neighbourhood. people i didnt even know lived here ask me bout her and when she is coming back? and some of THEM cant speak english properly (all them old fokes). incredible.

i was reminded of a few cool things bout my family today. haha

1) my youngest grandpa (my grandmothers brother) was quite a heartbreaker. so much so he loved so many girls but then broke up with them that he got quite the reputation around town, people didnt wanna give up their girls to marry him. he married super late lah. like his kid is a year younger than me. my uncle, is a year younger than me because of his dad's playboy ways.

2) my aunty (my mum's older sister) asked my grandma and my oldest uncle for permission to get married and all. they said no because they felt that my aunty's boyfriend was not a real christian cause he didnt come from a christian family, even though he converted and was baptised and all. so she just went away and got married. haha and my mum didnt know anything bout this cause she was at college in another state. so she comes back home and she sees everyone crying in various corners of the house and she's like, "why's everyone crying? who died?" and they were like "she's gone, your older sister, she's gone, she just packed off and left". haha i thought that was funny. especially considering that my aunty's husband, now my uncle is like the best man ever! he is funny, generous, smart. the perfect man for my aunty. and EVERYONE loves him now, my grandma is always staying at his house and everything. considering this is india and all, what my aunty went and did was some major shizz, and i am proud of her. i mean she went out and got what she thought was best for her. and he really is best for her.

3) my youngest uncle (on my mothers side) is the biggest joker ever. my cousin recently got back her results for her state exams which can kind of be compared to the alevels? and she didnt do so well. she wanted to get into a medical course, and considering every smart kid, and every stupid kid in india wants to do medical, there really is no way she was going to make it. but she wasnt going to give up easy, so she and her mum packed off, and went to bangalore to write entrance exams. while they were in bangalore they stayed at my above-mentioned uncles house. and my uncle, during his conversation with my mum, was like "she spends 2 hrs in the morning in the toilet, 2 hrs reading her bible, 2 hours eating, 8 hrs watching tv and 10 hrs sleepin, when exactly does she study?" HAHA. sorry, its rude i know, but he's just frustrated that everyones doing so much for her to succeed and she really isnt helping herself.

my families a joke. ha.

alright i am going to head off to bed right. and go study tomorrow. BY MYSELF!!!

or go to sentosa.

either one.

HA.

crocodiles and alligators

ARGH

i am so freaking obsessed with croc i cant stand it. i seriously cant. the entire day i have been thinking bout how i wont see crocodile for the entire week. well i guess i'll see croc on thursday. but thats like a whole 4 days away. i hope they dont disappear tomorrow. then it'll be just 3 days of not seeing croc. which isnt so bad is it. and i hate the way i am around croc. like i pretend not to notice and all. Avoiding croc really. Especially when i all i really wanna do is talk. or say hi. or something. you know? and i can tell, crocs been all cold too. but i guess i just always walk by, what can croc do?

haha this entry is so obvious and messed up. but its all i can think about.

OBSESSED

i havent even been stressing out about 2.4. of course i get a little heart jolt thing when i think about running, but i get an even bigger ache thinking bout the other thing. this is so embarrassing.

i kinda wish he'll read this, and know that i dont dislike him or anything. its just that when i kinda like someone, i get all weird and aloof and what not. its just like that. not used to it i guess. i mean i dont want much. just to get to know him. and i know i am screwing it all up being the way i am.

what to do? sangee will be sangee. she will. damn it

hey jude

BOO

funoramas over, and i know lins is right. i shld get down to studying. i shld. but i cant. i keep thinking about how awful it will be if i screw up alevels, or even if i do start studying, just too damn late that i cant manage any As, like where wld i go? what wld i do? but its not enough to get me to study.

speaking bout lins, she lost another grandfather, barely 2 mths after the first one passed on. and i am so sad for her, especially cause her entire family is non-christian. i mean that is a major issue. its not about losing someone. its what you are losing them to.

and her grandfathers death got my mum and i talking about death. and it was intense. i mean i havent lost anyone i cared a lot about. i did lose ms goh, i forgot her name for a second there. and that was pretty sad for me, i remember almost crying during assembly when miss kon read her eulogy. and i wasnt even really emotionaly attached to her. well not obviously. and my mum said that even though my grandmother is very fit and all, she can go anytime so i have to be prepared. but i dont want to be. its immature and impractical. but i love her. i do. and i want her to be around, even if passing on is what she wants for herself, i dont want that for her or for me. i always had this one wish that my entire family, my grandma included wld just pass away together. that would be like totally ideal. it cld be today or tomorrow, the time or venue wldnt matter, just that we passed on together.

ahhh.

and then theres my other problem. which i cant discuss. but i want to. and i want something to happen. is that too much to ask? i am 18 darn it. almost. ha. and nothings happening. its either i am reading too much into it or not.
omg i can believe i pulled the age card. thats totaly inappropriate. if i want it just cause i think i am too old not to have it, then what does it say? does that mean that wld i feel is not real? that i dont actually want it for me, but for others?

bummer. i am so confused. i always am. i read all my posts and i realise that i am not as laid back and composed as i seem at school. or is that how i see myself in school. maybe i am a mess always and just not aware of it. gosh that wld suck. if it were true.

i wanna go to school for all the reasons. just one reason really. just wish it knew and felt the same.

well schools like the only thing going for me and it isnt going so great. of course its worse for certain people. so i shldnt whine. but BLEAH

its just i think i am not clicking with the class like everyone else seems to be you know? which is highly disheartening, cause i dont wanna be like the weird one who doesnt laugh at things and who doesnt know what the heck is going on. i dont!

and i am sure i like my class somewhere deep down, but sometimes i am not so sure.

it just annoys me. i mean everyone who knows anything at all about me knows that i love to sing. and my class seems to have a problem with the fact that i can stay in tune. its so frustrating. i dont sing to impress, i sing for myself. its fun for me. and i hate having to respond when people are like "cant you tell you are going out of tune". and it sucks even more when my good friends do the same. i mean come on you guys. know what what singing means to me. and it buggs me that you wont let me do what i love whichever way i wanna have it done. ITS JUST FREAKING SINGING LET ME DO IT.

i know it seems like i am buzzing over trivialities. but i dont sing half as much as i used to anymore. because of these singing pros in my class who cant handle my lousy voice. bahh. and thats not good for me. i know it.

with that follows this obession with perfection and competition. and for me its all about having fun, cause i of all people am sure that i am not everning approaching perfection. "eh sangee you signed up for a soccer ah? can you even play soccer?" and i am like of course not, i suck at it. but its AC games its supposed to be fun right? does it really matter that much if we win? cant we just have FUN? why does everything have to planned and perfect. why do we have to be the best? and there are these guys who didnt wanna sign up for soccers, because they were sure we were gonna lose so they didnt want to be part of the losing team

this is like the main reason why i miss B4. i mean we wanted to win, but we were more concerned about the fun. and thats why we took part in everything, cause we knew we'd have fun along the way.

ARGH

frustrating shiz man.

and sometimes i feel like its me against the world. and thats the part that sucks the most. cause everyone seems to be together, with me standing on the outside babblign bout fun and what not. like nobodys listening

i need hairspray i do.

it sucks being an introvert. i wanna blab it all out, but i cant. i dont know how people would react to it, or if people wld listen. and that sucks. to feel like nobodys listening.

i'll get over it, eventually.

please lord, let me get over it.

new life

'i've been twisting and turning in space thats too small-

HELLO HELLO

haha well its been long. but i guess blogs are becoming pretty useless to me. i mean it used to be useful cause i had so many things going on in my brain, i'd have probably gone insane if i didnt record some of it down. and now everything seems simpler somehow? maybe i just dont have that many friends anymore, or that many subjects or something. hmph. or maybe i just dont think anymore. and anytime something unpleasant or complicated comes to mind i shove it away. maybe thats it.

darn i sound more confused now than i ever did. ha

but its not so bad. school and all. i mean i'm completely going with the flow. and prilaa's right, everythings not as exciting as i'd hoped. but of course its only really been like a month and half since school in acjc started for me? so maybe things will happen. PLEASE LORD LET THINGS HAPPEN.

i think i am fitting in alright with the class. i guess. i mean. its not bad? as in people haven come out and called me bitch or anything. not yet. i hope they dont ever. but my classmates are too nice a bunch. i wld think. either that or they just act it. but they seem nice. they do. quite definitely.

althought of course i cld start on the comment somebody made about me during the first week of school about my class hating me because i was so unsociable. that sorta did hurt and it made me really scared. cause thats not a good thing. and when you come to my age, you tend not to care if somebody is left out and stuff, cause i mean its really not your problem is it. and i was freaked out. and i kept telling myself i had mg girls, they'd help me right? but i guess i overreacted a little. and the class seems fine. they do. sorta. yeah.

i just sorta wish we were more bonded you know? so we can stop discussing secondary schools, or thinking it, that we'd be 1aa4? but i guess i do contribute to the segregation with all the "STUPID RIVERVALLEY KIDS" haha. but i like them. they're a funny bunch.

todays has been a useless day just like everyother. i wonder how i am gonna pull things together for the Alevels. i mean the Olevels just feels like so much of a fluke now. like it cant possible get better than that. and like it was god's way of saying he cares, but that he wont do it for me again, i'd have to help myself this time. i hope i dont sound like i am talking rubbish.

well i shall make a move, and possibly start on GP. another early morning for me tomorrow.

its killing me. i swear.

the not knowing whats gonna happen. who's gonna go where. who my new friends are gonna be. its sick way beyond measure. i guess i am one of those boring people who like knowing the way things are and how they are gonna be. and more than anything i am worried about the way i am gonna handle it when things dont go the way i went them to. i am hoping so so hard that prills lins and i will end up in AC. and if something goes wrong it will really screw it all up for me.

cause i am not really as easygoing as i'd like to seem. it kills me to know that i might end up elsewhere, having to start from scratch with the friend thing. which is something that has never gone well for me. i mean you should have seen me with my OG. i tried? sort of? but it didnt really work, cause i was never sure what they thought of me, and i wasnt sure if i liked them very much myself. and thats hard for me. not having good friends. i just hate swishing around and saying hi to all these people i dont really know, and probably will never know well.

the comfort of mg is something i should have never taken for advantage. cause thats all gone. and how much longer can i just depend on the few friends i have for company right. darn i am such a difficult person.

and my parents talk about sending me overseas? BY MYSELF? are they nuts? i'll probably go crazy and kill myself. i dont even know why its so difficult for me? making friends? i dont know if i am insecure about myself or if i am just too lazy for a new 'relationship'? but it just irks me. making friends. i just do it so i can seem comfortable and sociable to the rest of the world. so i have somebody to talk to shld i get bored. but really, most of these new relationships mean crap to me, cause i wont remember half of them, or their names or anything. cause it never got to that level, i dont know if it was me or them. or what. major rambledom.

well thats that. 2 more days and its all gonna be pretty much decided.

and then it will be bout making acjc homey enough for me to survive the next 2 years in the most comfortable way possible. and thats gonna take effort. and i hope i can get that in my head and find it in myself to take the time and effort to do that for myself.

INDIA

HEY

Guess where i am now??

INDIA

uhhuh

ha. It's really great here. Cause the word 'sweat' just doesnt come about. Especially were i am at the moment, Bangalore. Its not like freaking cold, but its not sweatable either. Which is like the perfect weather. And we're working the relaxation thing to the max, me my mum and my aunt. We're heading over for facials in the evening. I know, sangee doing a facial? what? But my aunt thinks my face is in deep need of rejuvenation or what not. She heard about some wacked our golden facial or something, which will have be glowing and healthy in no time. So thats one thing.

Wonder how JIALIN's doing in GERMANY. Man i wish i went to Germany, then i can act all smartypantsy and talk about all the stuff i learnt in history and get everybody all annoyed.

But no, i'm in India, which is fine by me. But it turns out i have to head over the south next week and thats gonna be all 'BURN BABY BURN', literally. Except these year its flooded? So i dont know how that's going to work out.

And i know PRILAA is having all the fun in the world in SINGAPORE. You are right? I'll get you stuff.

Well, that's that. I shall go watch cricket right now. Or something. BYE