What I've learnt about myself

Well.

So the last couple of days have been interesting. Not necessarily a good interesting. I think it has taught me a lot about who I am and who I should be. If I thought that I was going to go back from exchange without having learn anything, I was wrong.

(That's how I am feeling right now. Like a confused cat)

1) I am impulsive.

Oh goodness am I impulsive. I do things and I say things, often without much thought and then i pull back and regret my actions and words. Which is terrible. It means living your life either constantly afraid of yourself, or constantly in regret.

2) I am always emotionally-invested

Especially when it comes to relationships. Because of the above point, I pour out my heart like it's not worth anything. Words just flow, secrets, desires, fears all flow out in a mess without control. And I give so much, that I expect that much more in return. I throw my heart around like it doesn't mean anything, like everyone deserves to know what's going on in there. Which means it gets broken, by friends usually.

3) God isn't as important to me as He should be

I share my life so easily with everyone, that it's almost pointless to turn to God. Which is a ridiculous statement. But that's what happens. I draw from everything around me but from God. Which mean's I am a mess of emotions and impulsivity 90% of the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? Nutcase.

4) I really want to be loved

And because God isn't as important to me, I dont love him enough and I dont feel loved by him enough that I search for love around me. I give of myself so easily and so passionately because all I really want is to love and be loved. Sounds silly doesn't it and everyone wants this. What makes me so different? If you just met me, heard me talk, you wouldn't ever think I was this fragile and needy.

So, I'm not ready for a relationship and till I am, no one will be ready for me. I need to understand that, and get on with my life. Too much, too soon. Story of my life. But stories have turning points, things change, move in another direction than one would expect. Well, at least good stories do. I hope mine will. I will make sure that it does.

Give me time. Give me God.