ramblings of a neurotic navel-gazer

dear kb,

i would appreciate it if you stopped all conversation with me. entirely. clearly, i cant handle it. i am not mature enough, or unemotional enough. i still ask myself why, because i dont dare ask you, i still get annoyed and want to fling things at you, although that would require flinging it across the freaking ocean. but i do feel that way. pretty strong feelings like, completely confusion and incredulousness overwhelm almost every time we do talk, or i even think about you. so no. i cant wait to be out of canada, so i dont have to sit around waiting for you to start a conversation with me, or replaying our conversations in my head. it's sort of like a dream. i just really want to go back to before it all went haywire. and it bugs me that it doesnt bug you :( it really does. like why am i feeling so strongly about everything and you get to walk around like whatever. i hate this. of course i am resentful. very resentful. and i dont want to be. really. i hate feeling like this. but you havent redeemed yourself. there's still this sense that you think you're above it all, above me, and that i was, still am, that stupid girl that ran ahead of myself, by myself, with no encouragement whatsoever. i mean i know i am not all faultless. of course i know that. but it just sucks, overall. i wish i could just forget. pretend it never happened, pretend it wasnt a big deal, which i am trying to do. but i dont seem to be able to. so. i hope i can be strong and not mess with you anymore. it's making me a bitter person. and i dont want to be that person.

that's where you'll find me

well, i am supposed to be studying right now. it feels like i always write when i am supposed to be studying, but there have been a lot of things on my mind lately.

and i am going to list them like i do

1) what i want to do for life

i always thought i was going to be a counsellor, but now i am leaning more into community development, project manager sort of a position? i feel like i could lend a bit of level-headedness into a field like that, considering that i am supposed to be a good evaluator.

2) what i want to do next year

do i go straight into graduate school, in a bible college? or do i take a year off and work with MCYS/ World Vision etc? should i do honours? i mean i love sociology, and i dont want to stop doing it yet. but i want to get started on the great work in store for me. i know there is something out there for me. what is the best route?

3) about joining grace's comm in crusade

i really want to say yes. but i want to be sure that i will give my all! cause i am such a slacker, and next semester isnt going to be like any other, i am going to need to study, do my own grocery shopping/laundry, and comm. i know i can manage, i did it this sem, somewhat. but i want to know it's God's will, cause what if taking up that position stops someone greater from doing it?

4) kiltboy

ah. what more is there left to say. i am completely obsessed. i am always this way with crushes. and especially since he responded the way he did, i cant help but replay everything in my head. i know whats the practical/right thing to do, but i cant help daydreaming. sucks.

5) roommate issues

love my roommates, but there are just so many miscommunications and formality reigns. its awkard.

6) why i want to leave canada so badly

probably cause of all of the above and the pull of singapore and family

7) whether i have enough money for the time left

haha. this i should stop worrying about, cause i know i have enough. i just feel bad for spending so much that this would even be an issue.

8) what i want for my last semester (if i decide it's going to be my last semester)

you see what i mean? when have i ever had so much to think about? it's always about running or a boy or studying. and now it's that and much more. becoming and adult is scary. it's not at all overrated. guess i am glad that that's the extent of it. any more than that and i'd be throwing myself off an edge, psychologically of course.

it's weird putting things out into the cybersphere, nobody i know may ever read it, but some stranger may, and hopefully they can empathise. it feels like someone is reading. it's like talking to myself and talking to God and talking to the whole world at the same time.

all-in-all,

i am thankful.