woah. how long has it been since i felt the need to write and not an essay or assignment or something.

there was a time when i'd write down everything. what happened that day, my feelings, my frustrations. back when my writing was above average. now i can barely string a sentence together without having to pause over the right words to use. its sad. considering i should get smarter and more competent as i creep up higher on the academic ladder, but i seem to be going backwards.

i cant study. i cant. i dont know what to do already. i have exams next week. one is open book, and the other is an essay so i have to know all the theories and shizz. and i can honestly say that i know nothing. and i have tuition in 4 hours, which i have not prepared for. my tuition kid is taking a gamble with me. he is.

and i have finally realised, let it sink in, that i am fat. i kept telling myself it wasnt so bad, or that it didnt matter or that maybe it was my self-perception, maybe i am not as fat as i look to myself. but the illusion has faded. and i am fat. not severely obese, but sufficiently obese that i better make a virulent jab at losing weight

just as i wrote that sentence and thought about how sad/problematic my life is, i remembered michelle.

darn.

i cant.

i cant function right. its not fair. or is it. what is fair? and i am at a loss. for words, for actions. for everything. what can i do? what should i do? why did this have to happen. at a time when i am not fully equipped to handle this the way it should be. i am not mature yet. i dont know what i have to do. to help her, bring her back, lead her. why does this have to fall on me? i feel like i should sweep her away and bring her back to God, all majestically and i'd feel gratified, fulfilled. and then i think what if i fail and i show cowardice at a time when i am needed the most? will i ever be able to forgive myself?

am i going about this all wrong? it isnt about me is it. its about her and God. but where's my place in this. i know i have a place in this. or i'd never have entered her life again. there's a reason for everything isnt there?

when was the last time i felt so lost and heavy-laden.

sounds like i am being melodramatic. probably am.

i love you. and it hurts.