its killing me. i swear.

the not knowing whats gonna happen. who's gonna go where. who my new friends are gonna be. its sick way beyond measure. i guess i am one of those boring people who like knowing the way things are and how they are gonna be. and more than anything i am worried about the way i am gonna handle it when things dont go the way i went them to. i am hoping so so hard that prills lins and i will end up in AC. and if something goes wrong it will really screw it all up for me.

cause i am not really as easygoing as i'd like to seem. it kills me to know that i might end up elsewhere, having to start from scratch with the friend thing. which is something that has never gone well for me. i mean you should have seen me with my OG. i tried? sort of? but it didnt really work, cause i was never sure what they thought of me, and i wasnt sure if i liked them very much myself. and thats hard for me. not having good friends. i just hate swishing around and saying hi to all these people i dont really know, and probably will never know well.

the comfort of mg is something i should have never taken for advantage. cause thats all gone. and how much longer can i just depend on the few friends i have for company right. darn i am such a difficult person.

and my parents talk about sending me overseas? BY MYSELF? are they nuts? i'll probably go crazy and kill myself. i dont even know why its so difficult for me? making friends? i dont know if i am insecure about myself or if i am just too lazy for a new 'relationship'? but it just irks me. making friends. i just do it so i can seem comfortable and sociable to the rest of the world. so i have somebody to talk to shld i get bored. but really, most of these new relationships mean crap to me, cause i wont remember half of them, or their names or anything. cause it never got to that level, i dont know if it was me or them. or what. major rambledom.

well thats that. 2 more days and its all gonna be pretty much decided.

and then it will be bout making acjc homey enough for me to survive the next 2 years in the most comfortable way possible. and thats gonna take effort. and i hope i can get that in my head and find it in myself to take the time and effort to do that for myself.