give it up

ramblings of a neurotic navel-gazer

2011-12-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

dear kb,

i would appreciate it if you stopped all conversation with me. entirely. clearly, i cant handle it. i am not mature enough, or unemotional enough. i still ask myself why, because i dont dare ask you, i still get annoyed and want to fling things at you, although that would require flinging it across the freaking ocean. but i do feel that way. pretty strong feelings like, completely confusion and incredulousness overwhelm almost every time we do talk, or i even think about you. so no. i cant wait to be out of canada, so i dont have to sit around waiting for you to start a conversation with me, or replaying our conversations in my head. it's sort of like a dream. i just really want to go back to before it all went haywire. and it bugs me that it doesnt bug you :( it really does. like why am i feeling so strongly about everything and you get to walk around like whatever. i hate this. of course i am resentful. very resentful. and i dont want to be. really. i hate feeling like this. but you havent redeemed yourself. there's still this sense that you think you're above it all, above me, and that i was, still am, that stupid girl that ran ahead of myself, by myself, with no encouragement whatsoever. i mean i know i am not all faultless. of course i know that. but it just sucks, overall. i wish i could just forget. pretend it never happened, pretend it wasnt a big deal, which i am trying to do. but i dont seem to be able to. so. i hope i can be strong and not mess with you anymore. it's making me a bitter person. and i dont want to be that person.

that's where you'll find me

2011-12-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

well, i am supposed to be studying right now. it feels like i always write when i am supposed to be studying, but there have been a lot of things on my mind lately.

and i am going to list them like i do

1) what i want to do for life

i always thought i was going to be a counsellor, but now i am leaning more into community development, project manager sort of a position? i feel like i could lend a bit of level-headedness into a field like that, considering that i am supposed to be a good evaluator.

2) what i want to do next year

do i go straight into graduate school, in a bible college? or do i take a year off and work with MCYS/ World Vision etc? should i do honours? i mean i love sociology, and i dont want to stop doing it yet. but i want to get started on the great work in store for me. i know there is something out there for me. what is the best route?

3) about joining grace's comm in crusade

i really want to say yes. but i want to be sure that i will give my all! cause i am such a slacker, and next semester isnt going to be like any other, i am going to need to study, do my own grocery shopping/laundry, and comm. i know i can manage, i did it this sem, somewhat. but i want to know it's God's will, cause what if taking up that position stops someone greater from doing it?

4) kiltboy

ah. what more is there left to say. i am completely obsessed. i am always this way with crushes. and especially since he responded the way he did, i cant help but replay everything in my head. i know whats the practical/right thing to do, but i cant help daydreaming. sucks.

5) roommate issues

love my roommates, but there are just so many miscommunications and formality reigns. its awkard.

6) why i want to leave canada so badly

probably cause of all of the above and the pull of singapore and family

7) whether i have enough money for the time left

haha. this i should stop worrying about, cause i know i have enough. i just feel bad for spending so much that this would even be an issue.

8) what i want for my last semester (if i decide it's going to be my last semester)

you see what i mean? when have i ever had so much to think about? it's always about running or a boy or studying. and now it's that and much more. becoming and adult is scary. it's not at all overrated. guess i am glad that that's the extent of it. any more than that and i'd be throwing myself off an edge, psychologically of course.

it's weird putting things out into the cybersphere, nobody i know may ever read it, but some stranger may, and hopefully they can empathise. it feels like someone is reading. it's like talking to myself and talking to God and talking to the whole world at the same time.

all-in-all,

i am thankful.

What I've learnt about myself

2011-11-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

Well.

So the last couple of days have been interesting. Not necessarily a good interesting. I think it has taught me a lot about who I am and who I should be. If I thought that I was going to go back from exchange without having learn anything, I was wrong.

(That's how I am feeling right now. Like a confused cat)

1) I am impulsive.

Oh goodness am I impulsive. I do things and I say things, often without much thought and then i pull back and regret my actions and words. Which is terrible. It means living your life either constantly afraid of yourself, or constantly in regret.

2) I am always emotionally-invested

Especially when it comes to relationships. Because of the above point, I pour out my heart like it's not worth anything. Words just flow, secrets, desires, fears all flow out in a mess without control. And I give so much, that I expect that much more in return. I throw my heart around like it doesn't mean anything, like everyone deserves to know what's going on in there. Which means it gets broken, by friends usually.

3) God isn't as important to me as He should be

I share my life so easily with everyone, that it's almost pointless to turn to God. Which is a ridiculous statement. But that's what happens. I draw from everything around me but from God. Which mean's I am a mess of emotions and impulsivity 90% of the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? Nutcase.

4) I really want to be loved

And because God isn't as important to me, I dont love him enough and I dont feel loved by him enough that I search for love around me. I give of myself so easily and so passionately because all I really want is to love and be loved. Sounds silly doesn't it and everyone wants this. What makes me so different? If you just met me, heard me talk, you wouldn't ever think I was this fragile and needy.

So, I'm not ready for a relationship and till I am, no one will be ready for me. I need to understand that, and get on with my life. Too much, too soon. Story of my life. But stories have turning points, things change, move in another direction than one would expect. Well, at least good stories do. I hope mine will. I will make sure that it does.

Give me time. Give me God.

2011-06-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

i wish i wrote more. i remember a time when i used to sort of witty and fun and at the same time thoughtful. well i'd like to think i am/was pretty thoughtful.

it's been a good few weeks living alone. maybe it doesnt count cause i have an auntie who cooks for me and a helper who cleans and does my laundry. but leaving away from the folks has never been so comfortable? it may be because i am still in singapore and i still have my friends around me. of course that's the reason. of course it is. but i am thankful for that. that i can still feel somewhat 'at home' even with the family gone.

it's surreal. living apart from the family. for one, i feel sort of rootless. like i float around. and i do. float around, that is. from place to place (mostly the ICA and RafflesCity, i've found).

eagerly awaiting the arrival of my itouch. it's been too long since my iphone died on me. i tried to zoom into a picture with my fingers the others on jialin's nokia. major withdrawal syndroms. and while it's probably better for me that i am not listening to music all the time, i miss it. so i am excited for the itouch to come. it should be in my hands in a couple of hours. hopefully.

i dont have any significant thoughts in my head. and i think i have gone too far in my understanding on online media to ever fully reveal myself online. i know it can be traced down and that anonymity is a lie.

code names.

met jesse stork and alena yesterday. it wasnt so bad. but i am just going to be honest and say that it did cross my mind that their pda (which wasnt all that uncomfortable) was him trying to prove something. she didnt even touch him, well she did, but hardly. but he kept wanted to stroke her, or walk with his arms around her. and couples do that. i get it. but it's me, they dont know me, they know MY DAD. that's strange right? i dont know. maybe i'm a lot more conservative than i thought. i wonder how i'd be with my boyfriend. i think we'd be affectionate, but not infront of other people. well, it could also be because he's not asian. that makes a difference. but again, i didnt feel all that uncomfortable. it did get a bit boring towards the end, but that might be my fault.

lack of capitalisation and extensive use of fullstops.

2010-02-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

woah. how long has it been since i felt the need to write and not an essay or assignment or something.

there was a time when i'd write down everything. what happened that day, my feelings, my frustrations. back when my writing was above average. now i can barely string a sentence together without having to pause over the right words to use. its sad. considering i should get smarter and more competent as i creep up higher on the academic ladder, but i seem to be going backwards.

i cant study. i cant. i dont know what to do already. i have exams next week. one is open book, and the other is an essay so i have to know all the theories and shizz. and i can honestly say that i know nothing. and i have tuition in 4 hours, which i have not prepared for. my tuition kid is taking a gamble with me. he is.

and i have finally realised, let it sink in, that i am fat. i kept telling myself it wasnt so bad, or that it didnt matter or that maybe it was my self-perception, maybe i am not as fat as i look to myself. but the illusion has faded. and i am fat. not severely obese, but sufficiently obese that i better make a virulent jab at losing weight

just as i wrote that sentence and thought about how sad/problematic my life is, i remembered michelle.

darn.

i cant.

i cant function right. its not fair. or is it. what is fair? and i am at a loss. for words, for actions. for everything. what can i do? what should i do? why did this have to happen. at a time when i am not fully equipped to handle this the way it should be. i am not mature yet. i dont know what i have to do. to help her, bring her back, lead her. why does this have to fall on me? i feel like i should sweep her away and bring her back to God, all majestically and i'd feel gratified, fulfilled. and then i think what if i fail and i show cowardice at a time when i am needed the most? will i ever be able to forgive myself?

am i going about this all wrong? it isnt about me is it. its about her and God. but where's my place in this. i know i have a place in this. or i'd never have entered her life again. there's a reason for everything isnt there?

when was the last time i felt so lost and heavy-laden.

sounds like i am being melodramatic. probably am.

i love you. and it hurts.

its the holidays man.

2008-06-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

i am going to blog about something other than what i usually blog about

FOR ONCE! IN AWHILE

the school holidays are going by too darn fast. its not as if i am doing fun things or working really hard or anything. i am doing neither. and its just FLYING. like the singapore flyer. FAST.

sidenote: is the singapore flyer fast? i bet its not right. i heard one ride is like half an hour or something. i wanna go leh. but so expensive. i wanna go so i can tell people i went. ha

anyways good news everyone. GRANDMA IS COMING BACK ON MONDAY. which is good news cause we can stop eating out and like buying back food and all. its not my parents fault that they are busy. but i am beginning to miss homecooked indian food. and that rarely happens. so i cant wait for grandma. AND she really takes care of us and people in india are giving her a hard time, you know how it gets when there are all these siblings and inlaws and a strongheaded grandparents. haha so i wld rather have her here. she doesnt really go anywhere, and her english is so heavily accented but she has all these friends around the neighbourhood. people i didnt even know lived here ask me bout her and when she is coming back? and some of THEM cant speak english properly (all them old fokes). incredible.

i was reminded of a few cool things bout my family today. haha

1) my youngest grandpa (my grandmothers brother) was quite a heartbreaker. so much so he loved so many girls but then broke up with them that he got quite the reputation around town, people didnt wanna give up their girls to marry him. he married super late lah. like his kid is a year younger than me. my uncle, is a year younger than me because of his dad's playboy ways.

2) my aunty (my mum's older sister) asked my grandma and my oldest uncle for permission to get married and all. they said no because they felt that my aunty's boyfriend was not a real christian cause he didnt come from a christian family, even though he converted and was baptised and all. so she just went away and got married. haha and my mum didnt know anything bout this cause she was at college in another state. so she comes back home and she sees everyone crying in various corners of the house and she's like, "why's everyone crying? who died?" and they were like "she's gone, your older sister, she's gone, she just packed off and left". haha i thought that was funny. especially considering that my aunty's husband, now my uncle is like the best man ever! he is funny, generous, smart. the perfect man for my aunty. and EVERYONE loves him now, my grandma is always staying at his house and everything. considering this is india and all, what my aunty went and did was some major shizz, and i am proud of her. i mean she went out and got what she thought was best for her. and he really is best for her.

3) my youngest uncle (on my mothers side) is the biggest joker ever. my cousin recently got back her results for her state exams which can kind of be compared to the alevels? and she didnt do so well. she wanted to get into a medical course, and considering every smart kid, and every stupid kid in india wants to do medical, there really is no way she was going to make it. but she wasnt going to give up easy, so she and her mum packed off, and went to bangalore to write entrance exams. while they were in bangalore they stayed at my above-mentioned uncles house. and my uncle, during his conversation with my mum, was like "she spends 2 hrs in the morning in the toilet, 2 hrs reading her bible, 2 hours eating, 8 hrs watching tv and 10 hrs sleepin, when exactly does she study?" HAHA. sorry, its rude i know, but he's just frustrated that everyones doing so much for her to succeed and she really isnt helping herself.

my families a joke. ha.

alright i am going to head off to bed right. and go study tomorrow. BY MYSELF!!!

or go to sentosa.

either one.

HA.

crocodiles and alligators

2008-04-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

ARGH

i am so freaking obsessed with croc i cant stand it. i seriously cant. the entire day i have been thinking bout how i wont see crocodile for the entire week. well i guess i'll see croc on thursday. but thats like a whole 4 days away. i hope they dont disappear tomorrow. then it'll be just 3 days of not seeing croc. which isnt so bad is it. and i hate the way i am around croc. like i pretend not to notice and all. Avoiding croc really. Especially when i all i really wanna do is talk. or say hi. or something. you know? and i can tell, crocs been all cold too. but i guess i just always walk by, what can croc do?

haha this entry is so obvious and messed up. but its all i can think about.

OBSESSED

i havent even been stressing out about 2.4. of course i get a little heart jolt thing when i think about running, but i get an even bigger ache thinking bout the other thing. this is so embarrassing.

i kinda wish he'll read this, and know that i dont dislike him or anything. its just that when i kinda like someone, i get all weird and aloof and what not. its just like that. not used to it i guess. i mean i dont want much. just to get to know him. and i know i am screwing it all up being the way i am.

what to do? sangee will be sangee. she will. damn it

hey jude

2008-04-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

BOO

funoramas over, and i know lins is right. i shld get down to studying. i shld. but i cant. i keep thinking about how awful it will be if i screw up alevels, or even if i do start studying, just too damn late that i cant manage any As, like where wld i go? what wld i do? but its not enough to get me to study.

speaking bout lins, she lost another grandfather, barely 2 mths after the first one passed on. and i am so sad for her, especially cause her entire family is non-christian. i mean that is a major issue. its not about losing someone. its what you are losing them to.

and her grandfathers death got my mum and i talking about death. and it was intense. i mean i havent lost anyone i cared a lot about. i did lose ms goh, i forgot her name for a second there. and that was pretty sad for me, i remember almost crying during assembly when miss kon read her eulogy. and i wasnt even really emotionaly attached to her. well not obviously. and my mum said that even though my grandmother is very fit and all, she can go anytime so i have to be prepared. but i dont want to be. its immature and impractical. but i love her. i do. and i want her to be around, even if passing on is what she wants for herself, i dont want that for her or for me. i always had this one wish that my entire family, my grandma included wld just pass away together. that would be like totally ideal. it cld be today or tomorrow, the time or venue wldnt matter, just that we passed on together.

ahhh.

and then theres my other problem. which i cant discuss. but i want to. and i want something to happen. is that too much to ask? i am 18 darn it. almost. ha. and nothings happening. its either i am reading too much into it or not.
omg i can believe i pulled the age card. thats totaly inappropriate. if i want it just cause i think i am too old not to have it, then what does it say? does that mean that wld i feel is not real? that i dont actually want it for me, but for others?

bummer. i am so confused. i always am. i read all my posts and i realise that i am not as laid back and composed as i seem at school. or is that how i see myself in school. maybe i am a mess always and just not aware of it. gosh that wld suck. if it were true.

i wanna go to school for all the reasons. just one reason really. just wish it knew and felt the same.

2007-08-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

well schools like the only thing going for me and it isnt going so great. of course its worse for certain people. so i shldnt whine. but BLEAH

its just i think i am not clicking with the class like everyone else seems to be you know? which is highly disheartening, cause i dont wanna be like the weird one who doesnt laugh at things and who doesnt know what the heck is going on. i dont!

and i am sure i like my class somewhere deep down, but sometimes i am not so sure.

it just annoys me. i mean everyone who knows anything at all about me knows that i love to sing. and my class seems to have a problem with the fact that i can stay in tune. its so frustrating. i dont sing to impress, i sing for myself. its fun for me. and i hate having to respond when people are like "cant you tell you are going out of tune". and it sucks even more when my good friends do the same. i mean come on you guys. know what what singing means to me. and it buggs me that you wont let me do what i love whichever way i wanna have it done. ITS JUST FREAKING SINGING LET ME DO IT.

i know it seems like i am buzzing over trivialities. but i dont sing half as much as i used to anymore. because of these singing pros in my class who cant handle my lousy voice. bahh. and thats not good for me. i know it.

with that follows this obession with perfection and competition. and for me its all about having fun, cause i of all people am sure that i am not everning approaching perfection. "eh sangee you signed up for a soccer ah? can you even play soccer?" and i am like of course not, i suck at it. but its AC games its supposed to be fun right? does it really matter that much if we win? cant we just have FUN? why does everything have to planned and perfect. why do we have to be the best? and there are these guys who didnt wanna sign up for soccers, because they were sure we were gonna lose so they didnt want to be part of the losing team

this is like the main reason why i miss B4. i mean we wanted to win, but we were more concerned about the fun. and thats why we took part in everything, cause we knew we'd have fun along the way.

ARGH

frustrating shiz man.

and sometimes i feel like its me against the world. and thats the part that sucks the most. cause everyone seems to be together, with me standing on the outside babblign bout fun and what not. like nobodys listening

i need hairspray i do.

it sucks being an introvert. i wanna blab it all out, but i cant. i dont know how people would react to it, or if people wld listen. and that sucks. to feel like nobodys listening.

i'll get over it, eventually.

please lord, let me get over it.

new life

2007-04-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

'i've been twisting and turning in space thats too small-

HELLO HELLO

haha well its been long. but i guess blogs are becoming pretty useless to me. i mean it used to be useful cause i had so many things going on in my brain, i'd have probably gone insane if i didnt record some of it down. and now everything seems simpler somehow? maybe i just dont have that many friends anymore, or that many subjects or something. hmph. or maybe i just dont think anymore. and anytime something unpleasant or complicated comes to mind i shove it away. maybe thats it.

darn i sound more confused now than i ever did. ha

but its not so bad. school and all. i mean i'm completely going with the flow. and prilaa's right, everythings not as exciting as i'd hoped. but of course its only really been like a month and half since school in acjc started for me? so maybe things will happen. PLEASE LORD LET THINGS HAPPEN.

i think i am fitting in alright with the class. i guess. i mean. its not bad? as in people haven come out and called me bitch or anything. not yet. i hope they dont ever. but my classmates are too nice a bunch. i wld think. either that or they just act it. but they seem nice. they do. quite definitely.

althought of course i cld start on the comment somebody made about me during the first week of school about my class hating me because i was so unsociable. that sorta did hurt and it made me really scared. cause thats not a good thing. and when you come to my age, you tend not to care if somebody is left out and stuff, cause i mean its really not your problem is it. and i was freaked out. and i kept telling myself i had mg girls, they'd help me right? but i guess i overreacted a little. and the class seems fine. they do. sorta. yeah.

i just sorta wish we were more bonded you know? so we can stop discussing secondary schools, or thinking it, that we'd be 1aa4? but i guess i do contribute to the segregation with all the "STUPID RIVERVALLEY KIDS" haha. but i like them. they're a funny bunch.

todays has been a useless day just like everyother. i wonder how i am gonna pull things together for the Alevels. i mean the Olevels just feels like so much of a fluke now. like it cant possible get better than that. and like it was god's way of saying he cares, but that he wont do it for me again, i'd have to help myself this time. i hope i dont sound like i am talking rubbish.

well i shall make a move, and possibly start on GP. another early morning for me tomorrow.

2007-03-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

its killing me. i swear.

the not knowing whats gonna happen. who's gonna go where. who my new friends are gonna be. its sick way beyond measure. i guess i am one of those boring people who like knowing the way things are and how they are gonna be. and more than anything i am worried about the way i am gonna handle it when things dont go the way i went them to. i am hoping so so hard that prills lins and i will end up in AC. and if something goes wrong it will really screw it all up for me.

cause i am not really as easygoing as i'd like to seem. it kills me to know that i might end up elsewhere, having to start from scratch with the friend thing. which is something that has never gone well for me. i mean you should have seen me with my OG. i tried? sort of? but it didnt really work, cause i was never sure what they thought of me, and i wasnt sure if i liked them very much myself. and thats hard for me. not having good friends. i just hate swishing around and saying hi to all these people i dont really know, and probably will never know well.

the comfort of mg is something i should have never taken for advantage. cause thats all gone. and how much longer can i just depend on the few friends i have for company right. darn i am such a difficult person.

and my parents talk about sending me overseas? BY MYSELF? are they nuts? i'll probably go crazy and kill myself. i dont even know why its so difficult for me? making friends? i dont know if i am insecure about myself or if i am just too lazy for a new 'relationship'? but it just irks me. making friends. i just do it so i can seem comfortable and sociable to the rest of the world. so i have somebody to talk to shld i get bored. but really, most of these new relationships mean crap to me, cause i wont remember half of them, or their names or anything. cause it never got to that level, i dont know if it was me or them. or what. major rambledom.

well thats that. 2 more days and its all gonna be pretty much decided.

and then it will be bout making acjc homey enough for me to survive the next 2 years in the most comfortable way possible. and thats gonna take effort. and i hope i can get that in my head and find it in myself to take the time and effort to do that for myself.

INDIA

2006-11-21T00:02:00.000-08:00

HEY

Guess where i am now??

INDIA

uhhuh

ha. It's really great here. Cause the word 'sweat' just doesnt come about. Especially were i am at the moment, Bangalore. Its not like freaking cold, but its not sweatable either. Which is like the perfect weather. And we're working the relaxation thing to the max, me my mum and my aunt. We're heading over for facials in the evening. I know, sangee doing a facial? what? But my aunt thinks my face is in deep need of rejuvenation or what not. She heard about some wacked our golden facial or something, which will have be glowing and healthy in no time. So thats one thing.

Wonder how JIALIN's doing in GERMANY. Man i wish i went to Germany, then i can act all smartypantsy and talk about all the stuff i learnt in history and get everybody all annoyed.

But no, i'm in India, which is fine by me. But it turns out i have to head over the south next week and thats gonna be all 'BURN BABY BURN', literally. Except these year its flooded? So i dont know how that's going to work out.

And i know PRILAA is having all the fun in the world in SINGAPORE. You are right? I'll get you stuff.

Well, that's that. I shall go watch cricket right now. Or something. BYE

i want to live like animals

2006-11-05T01:53:00.000-08:00

whats the title about you ask.

SAVAGE GARDEN

haha the lead guy has quite a sexy voice. haha man i am in one of my high periods again. which is messed up considering that social studies and emaths is tomorrow. I AM SO BORED OF SOCIAL STUDIES. every day i become more boring. i mean really who wants to talk to someone who can only talk about srilankan conflict or what makes a good government. nobody. that's who.

*yes jialin, today's another one of my messed up days

well the days have been pretty uneventful.

an important problem i have to confront is my loud voice. Everybody's always complaining. and i understand that its simply not acceptable for a young woman to have such a loud voice. just not classy. its just in B4 its so difficult to be heard over all the noise. and i have this thing about being heard, cause no one ever listens to me? so i have to talk really loud. but now that i am sort of out out of B4, it just isn't all that often that i have to employ my tremendously loud voice. its just i cant control it. and its sort of embarrassing i suppose. well its supposed to be. and it scares me that i am so comfortable with it.

well atleast i dont do other completely socially unacceptable things like scratching things i shldnt be scratching and what not.

alrightey

i shall get back to social studies.

yeah i know, mass suicide anyone??

KIDDING LAH

tamil

2006-10-29T01:19:00.000-08:00

GUESS WHAT

tomorrow is the day

uhhuh

THE DAY

what day you ask?

THE DAY TAMIL AND I SAY OUR GOODBYES

YES

haha i am really happy. beyond happy. i know i shldnt be. i should be thinking about if i am ready for the exam and if i can get a B4 atleast and stuff. but i really am not. i dont care. well i care that i pass. but that shldnt be that difficult right? and i didnt spend most of the day on tamil, which i hope helps. enough to pass.

deliriousity overwhelms

it does

4 more days to the o'levels

2006-10-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

i have no idea how i feel about the O's being a mere 4 days away. it cant be a good thing. but of course it also means that there are only 3 more weeks for it all to come to an end. which is definitely a good thing. exams take too much effort and i am just too darn lazy.

ohoh and one tree hill and india await me!

haha who wld think i could be so darn excited to go to india. but i am. i haven been there in like 4 years. and for once we're not just gonna visit the extended family, but we're gonna check india out for real, like tourists. its gonna be good, i can feel it. minus getting felt up by the extremely horny guys. haha . i cant talk enough about them.

well i shall bugg off and get ready for tuition.

(:

2006-10-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

haha here goes. i was gonna load them all and talk about them all on the post. but who knew i was such a loser with blogger. i mean i only haven't used it for a year

and now i'm all stupid. oh well here goes.

clickyclicky

http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2100605678&idx=0

random mutterings

2006-10-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

damn, 2 weeks to the O's and get myself all sick. i should have known better, but i mean if you hang out at king albert you have to get drinks at the least what. so i just kept drinking my iced lemon tea and now i'm all sick. and the stupid haze. BAD TIMING SUMATRA. or wherever it is the haze is coming from. i mean the hot people from the australian national swimming team couldnt swim cause of the haze lah. i mean thats just plain evil. i'm rambling

yesterday my day at kap was very uneventful unlike the day before. haha. damn i mean we all know barker guys are messed up. but that day the level of messed up was dragged up dramatically. HAHA. i would never dare do that. but of course i am a boring germified weirdo.

well i was just studying the chapter on germany, and i would like to say that i feel that that hitler was way more messed up than any of the barker guys. i mean really, a church to preach youre twisted ideas? i mean that happens all the time, what with all the cults, but on a political level? and talk about racism. it wasnt racism per se, more of a twisted feeling of prejudice towards anything different. conservationalism to the max. TO THE MAX. he must have been so bullied and deprived as a child growing up. to want so much power and superiority. man

well i shld get back to hitler. but he does make history that much more interesting. i cant imagine studying a subject that revolved around mao and gorbachev and what not. that just a teeny weeny bit too boring. although i do love gorby! haha i wld buy the shirt.

OH OH jialin is going to hungary during the holidays, she can go get me all this paraphernalia! haha.

okay i'm all wonky.

best get fuzzy comic on lifestyle today
Doctor: Well, firstly, Mr. Wilco, i have to tell you that satchel is grossly overweight for an adult cat
Wilco: He's not a cat, he's a DOG
Doctor: He is? Hold on, let me check my book
Satchel: Whew! for a minute there, i was thinkin' MEE YOW
Doctor: Ok... Well, he's still overweight. Just less dramatically
Satchel: YAY
Bucky Katt: what is that, the idiots guide to the bloody obvious?
Wilco: Quiet, you.

HAHAHA

2006-10-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

HEYHEYHEY

haha i have no idea why i am so happy, i just am. its just one of those moments where you forget about the O'levels, about how much out loser you are and just be dellusional about the state of your life. its a good moment to be at. i'm loving it. okay well now its gone.

just came home from KAP a little while back. i was thinking, that shld i ever go there asking for a job and they turn be down? its almost sue-able. cause i have spent so much money there they have to help me out in my time of need. its like some sort of responsibility they have towards me. i mean i went there on tuesday wednesday friday and today. and i am going back tomorrow and every other day of the week.

oh talking about saturday, which was yesterday, we went JC openhouse hopping. it was deeply depressing. i cant get in anywhere, only like CJC, and thats AFTER bonus points. so i think i have to head over to Pioneer for the first 3 months. its near my house, so its just convenient. meijin gina and claire said they'll consider. but we're all gonna put ACJC down as our first choice. i REALLY wanna go there. i just realised how much i really wanted to go there after the open house. its my school lah. what to do? i wont fit in anywhere else. i'm just so sure. maybe i just want it to be that way. maybe pioneer wld be my perfect school. i just sort of dont want it to be.

i think its really difficult being an indian in singapore. i mean i try not to think about it. you know, the fact that i'm indian, and different. but its just such a big part of me. its okay to be an indian if you hung out with indian people all the time. but i dont do that either. so i'm like sorta stuck in the middle. i'm like not indian enough, and i'm not non-indian enough either. its this sort of balance that i have achieved, which i personally, am fine with. its just the way people might react to it that bothers me.

oh dang. i even end up blogging bout my indianistic conflicts. it buggs me.

i guess i'll just have to work really hard and get 9 points. PLEASE let me get 9 points.

and i have realised i am a really random person. from KAP to JC to INDIANISM?

hahaha. i make me laugh

JASVIR

2006-10-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

man its like my first post in the longest time. and it feels awkward. like i am talking to someone who isnt exactly there. i dont remember it feeling quite so weird previously. heck my uncomfortability(is this even a word?) this post is suppose to be for one very important person. ..

JASVIR!!

haha yeah. thats a bad picture of me. but i dont care! cause its all about JASVIR TODAY!! she is one of my favouritest indians around alright?? DONT MESS. She's really funny and she's the bomb when it comes to bhangra! and she talks REALLY fast. and i love her. cause of all of the above. well she's 16, man kids grow up so fast. not that i am any older, but i mean 16 is such a profound age. its like the year that you can watch nc-16 movies and not like have to sneak in. and its the year that you do your o'levels, well for alot of us anyway. its a very significant year. and i wanna congragulate JASVIR on reaching this wonderful age. not that it takes much to grow a year older, but it does take alot to reach this age and also be sane. which jasvir is, most of the time anyways. well i love you jasvir. TAKE CARE and study really hard. and maybe we'll see each other in the future and still like each other! yeah? okay. GREAT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY again!

love, SANGEE